21 Online Dating Tips From An Expert (And Women Who Met Their Spouses On "Apps") (2023)

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1. Don't post overly filtered photos

When it comes to a dating app profile,Pictures really say more than a thousand words-or more. They give a potential partner an idea of ​​who you are and your personality, so choose your images wisely. Ury advises scrapping props that cause guesswork in the game. Say goodbye to filters, sunglasses and group shots, at least when it comes to the main photo. "For that all-important first photo, start with a clear foreground," she says. "Include a mix of different types of photos, including at least one full-body photo, one of you doing an activity you love, and one with your friends or family."

2. Make it easy to start a conversation

“Your Hinge profile is an opportunity to show who you are. You want to use this space to tell your story,” says Ury. If you don't try very hard, it won't be much work to start a conversation. “Think of your profile as your opening line, something your date can respond to or ask a follow-up question. For example, if you add photos of yourself kayaking or [information] about cooking, that's a great entry point for someone to start a conversation with you.”

3. Ignore the small talk

We understand: small talk sounds easy and safe. But that's not how you're going to make a meaningful connection with someone. To do this, you have to be comfortable with the idea of ​​vulnerability. Ury recommends sharing information that will help a potential match really get to know you all. “Your profile should be an extension of who you are, so lean into both your silly side and your more serious side. You are not just one thing. Regularly updating your profile with new information about yourself will help you get more matches and “like me”. "

4. Avoid "beige flags"

Red flags, green flags... in true Seussical fashion, there are also beige flags, which Ury says are the cliche answers you're guaranteedYou do not gostand out. "A great profile includes unique and personal responses that help you get someone's attention. For example, don't react to thestir up"I'm very competitive at..." with "everything" or to the message "You'll know I like you if..." don't give the over-the-top response of "If I ask you to meet my dog." 'Precious real estate to stand out and make a great first impression.'

5. Know the red flags

SomeRed flagsThey're obvious, but others are more subtle, making them hard to understand when you're trying to convince yourself that someone might be right. But as Ury reminds us, anyone who treats you as an option (not a priority), makes you question your interest, and thinks you're not ready for a serious relationship is probably not a good fit. "Becomesgreen flags– someone who is a great communicator, honest about their intentions and makes you feel better,” she says.

6. Ask questions

Clever banter and jokes are funny but lack substance. “Great connections start with great conversations. The best way to create a strong connection is to ask questions,” says Ury. "To avoid the small talk, you can ask questions like, 'Why are you wasting time?' or 'What's your favorite song?' To meet someone."

7. Know how incomparable without ruffled feathers

Do you have a feeling that the match will not work? It's okay, not everything works. But it can feel awkward when you want to end the conversation. How do you do that without ruffling the feathers? Ury suggests being direct and not letting her down. "People will appreciate it if you openly and honestly say how you feel. One way to make this easier is to have a message that you can send when you need it. Go to your phone's Notes folder and save this template, which you can customize for the person: "Hi [name], it's been nice meeting you, but I don't think we're a romantic couple." Commit, sending this as soon as you know you are not interested in someone. Be firm, but kind, and most importantly, no ghost!"

8. Give it a breather (even if there doesn't seem to be much spark)

Movies make it seem like a lifelong relationship happens in an instant. They look into each other's eyes and fall in love. Your hands touch and you get an electric shock. However, in the real world, it can take time to fall in love. "Remember, some of the best connections come from a slow burn, not a spark," Ury reminds us. "Give someone a chance, even if you don't feel that initial chemistry. One in three Hinge users shared that it takes until the second or third date to know if you're compatible with someone. Some of the best relationships happen between people who didn't feel the spark at first, but who grew to like each other over time."

Pulling the plug out of a relationship takes a whole new nerve. Here are Ury's tips for a successful one-on-one interview.

1. Share something personal

"We often stick to the shallow end of the pool on dates.Where do you come from? How long have you lived here? What are you doing?But 93 percent of Hinge data would rather date someone who's emotionally vulnerable," she shares. “The real connection comes from the real vulnerability. That means sharing what happens to you in life. Dig deeper by talking about a hobby or topic you're passionate about, something you learned that changed your perspective, or something that challenged you this week. Your date will appreciate your openness and the conversation will be more memorable.

2. Don't be afraid to be silly.

Laughter is a great station for a reason. According to Ury, the effect lowers cortisol, the stress hormone, and enables relaxation. “Laughter also generates a dose of dopamine, which activates our brain’s pleasure centers. It reinforces our behavior and makes us want more. All the good things about a first date: more bonding, less stress, and more chances of a second date.

3. Focus on them

You want to make a good impression, who doesn't want that? However, Ury reveals that you can actually have more fun by focusing on your date and not yourself. “If you only focus on yourself and worry about how you are doing, you will have a less than comfortable time and miss important clues from them. Instead, focus on your date and be as present as possible. The more you can bring your attention to it, the more relaxed you will feel and the better you will feel.”

With the to-do list comes a to-do list. According to Ury, there are two things to avoid here.

1. Don't over-analyze everything

A wise man (Mr. Darcy) once said: 'A lady's imagination is very quick; he jumps from admiration to love, from love to marriage in an instant. He might be up to something. How many of us jumped from the first date to the idea of ​​marriage? We just want to know if it works. That's fine, but for first dates, it's best to keep one simple goal in mind: to get to know her. "The first date isn't about deciding if you want to marry that person. It's about connecting, having a shared experience and deciding whether to go out again," Ury recalls. "If you sit around on a date trying to gauge the other person and your own reaction, your date doesn't get a good idea of ​​who you are and you can't live the moment, let alone enjoy it."

2. Don't treat the date like an interview

Are job interviews definitely one thing? induction of fluctuations. That's the last thing you want on a date, so don't fight each other. "Get out there, be present, and focus on connecting," Ury says.

1. Find someone who makes you comfortable

"Wait for the one who strays for you. For example, for our first date, Joey made sure to choose a location that was close to my apartment and at a convenient time for me. I was living on the Upper East Side at the time and he was living in Hell's Kitchen (meaning New Yorkremoved). It showed me that he was interested in me and my life, and it felt so different from the usual "hey, let's meet" mentality you often find on dating apps that lead to four and a half years of marriage and 19 led children. . a month." -Amy D., 35, Bronx

2. Break them up if they don't answer

"I divorced after getting married very young, so trying dating apps for the first time in my early 20s was pretty awful. But I learned from that first marriage that I didn't want to waste my time with someone who wasn't close enough to me. I think dating is cool, and youhe mustMake a date if you're interested in the person you're texting, but if they don't reply in time, move on. Anyone who really wants to get to know you will make it clear. —Carra T., 29, Los Angeles

3. Kick your "guy" to the curb

"I would advise my single friends to keep an open mind and not settle for a certain 'type.' what he did back then. You might think that you're only attracted to blonde guys with hair like Thor's, or that anyone under 5ft 2in is out of the question. But my husband's smile on his profile picture looked so genuine and friendly that it drew me in. I tried it and I'm so glad I did! We're getting married in November."Megan K., 40, Lexington,Kentucky

4. Turn off apps while dating someone else

"To give a first date — or any date for that matter — a chance to grow into something real and meaningful, you need to turn off notifications on your dating apps so you don't get distracted while you're with someone. You cannot be fully present on a date with one person while receiving a new message from another person.—Amanda B., 37, Dallas

5. Decide on the "normal" photo that fits your biography

"It's really important to find out who a person is rather than focus on someone because their photo would look great on the cover of the magazine.GQ. My now husband's photos were quite normal and not overdone like many others. Instead of modeling headshots, he had regular shots of himself and his dogs (an obvious onereliability mark) and a simple selfie in the kitchen. His biography was not remarkable either; He doesn't exercise much and doesn't go on adventure hikes every weekend. Eat pizza and drink whiskey. You sold me!”– Lauren N., 31, Long Beach,California

6. Don't be intimidated by cultural differences.

"After four years of dating, three years of marriage and now with a baby on the way, I can say I'm glad I had the opportunity to online and date someone very different from me. I went in with an attitude of openness and acceptance of these differences, which was no small feat considering my family and I are from Rizal, a province outside of Manila in the Philippines, and Mike is from a large Italian family in Nova Camisa originates. But staying open to what makes us different and teaching each other about our respective traditions and customs has actually brought us much closer than I expected.”– M. Day, 36, Somerset,New Jersey

7. Make a list of all the things you are looking for in a relationship.

"You need to know the answer to 'What are you looking for?' know. I would never have been the one to ask that, and actually I always thought it was a stupid question, but when my now-husband asked me that on Bumble after we'd talked for a bit, he seemed a very honest and direct person to be . Young. (it is!) so I told him the truth that I was looking for someone who was serious about the future. Turns out that was the answer I was looking for! So don't be afraid to be honest and write off guys who don't mean business if that's what you want to do. We got engaged after nine months and married nine months after that and have been married for a little over a year.– Alex P., 29, Manchester,New Hampshire

8. Make sure your core values ​​are clear from the start

"I was a bit reluctant to try app-based dating and only jumped on the bandwagon later in the game because my faith is so important to me and I didn't know how to filter out guys who didn't T.I." do not share this core value. I met Franz after two weeks on Bumble and we decided to meet up for tacos after only chatting on the app for a few hours because we were both so open about our beliefs being a big part of our lives. The advice I would give to my online dating partners is to make sure you are clear and honest about your big issues and never sacrifice your core values ​​and beliefs for the sake of others. Franz and I were together for almost three years after that, and then we got married last month! Now we live with our cats, Tuna and Wasabi”.– Alexandra V., 28, Sacramento,California

9no. Save hot topics of conversation for real contacts

“My biggest real-world data success I've ever met in apps was moving things from my phone to real life as quickly as possible. Exchange a few messages to make sure you feel safe and interested, but then quickly rethink a plan to meet in person. A couple of times I've spent weeks texting someone I didn't know and when we met I felt like we'd all asked questions online to get to know them and it inevitably didn't work out. What immediately drew me to my fiancé was that after a few messages he immediately asked me with a specific time and place. His determination and clear intentions were refreshing. People can be so one-dimensional in apps. Giving someone the benefit of seeing the big picture in person is the best way to be successful.”– Megan G., 27, New York City

10. Take a break

"Honestly, I think the first thing is to keep trying, but don't be afraid to take breaks from online dating if you need to. I felt like I'd been looking under every rock for my husband and it was exhausting so every once in a while I had to go away for a week or so. Repeating all those first dates that were sometimes weird, awkward, or downright bad tired me. I left some bad dates! But I didn't leave the date I was with my future partner—we've been married for a year—because I gave myself time to recover from the bad and appreciate the good.– Jess A., 43, Baltimore

11. Talk to your friends about all the ups and downs of your dating app